


god does not care (her heart aches for it)

by imissmycatsface



Category: Original Work
Genre: Discussion of Morals, Gen, Meta, Theology, Unreliable Narrator, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26171806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imissmycatsface/pseuds/imissmycatsface
Summary: Written during a Philosophy class, in which we discussed the existence of God and the necessity of suffering.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	god does not care (her heart aches for it)

"You don't care." The disbelief was clear in his voice. He was _stunned_. "You _don't care_ that people are suffering. You have the ability to change it, and you _don't care!_ "

"I can't." She gave him a sad smile. "I remember thinking like you. What is the point of suffering? Suffering highlights happiness, but a lack of suffering doesn't mean a lack of happiness." She missed caring, vaguely, at the back of her mind. She missed it as much as her careful not-caring allowed her to miss things.

The pain was clear in his voice when he asked, "Then why does it happen?! Why are you allowing your people - _your people_ \- to hurt like this, if you know it's pointless?!"

She was silent for a while, staring off into the distance. Then she looked at him, a soft yet piercing gaze. "Do you want to know why I don't care?" She felt her chest ache at just the thought of saying it out loud; yet she knew in her soul (what soul she had left) that he had a right to know.

He looked at her, wary, hurt, trying to see if she was leading him into a trap. "... Yes," he said eventually. "Why create us - all this - if you don't care?"

She swallowed. She smiled, a trembling, tremulous smile. "I did," she whispered. If she spoke louder her voice would waver and break. "I did care, in the beginning. I cared so much. I was so determined to make _my_ world a better world than the one I came from. I was given the gift to create, and I thought, 'I will create life, and wonder, and hope, and people. And I will give them all the tools they will need to have blessed lives, filled with no suffering, and their lives will be better than life on my home could ever be.' I knew, even back then, that free will came with the price of hurt.

But what is the point of life if you can't choose what to do with it? People without free will are only animals, acting on the instructions of something more than them. What would be the point of creating people like that? So I gave them - you - free will, and I hoped above all else that I had made you kind enough and brave enough and wonderful enough that suffering would be almost unthinkable."

She took a breath. It rattled hollowly inside her old-young-ageless lungs, and came out raspy, and when she spoke again her voice was ~~almost~~ hoarse. "I knew, almost as soon as I set everything into motion, that I had made a mistake. I made you kind, but those who were kind to everyone rarely received kindness in return. I made you brave, but those who were brave enough to stand for what was right rarely got happy endings. I made you _wonderful_ , but in the face of suffering you were forced to leave your wonder behind, in favour of guaranteeing survival for you and yours." She looked at him briefly then, and smiled a small smile. "I don't judge you. None of your actions were my fault, but they were all because of me, my arrogance, my lack of foresight. All you ever wanted was to survive, and I could never condemn someone for wanting to live when I was the one that brought you to painful existence."

She looked away again, then. The sun was starting to set, and she stared at it as if blinding herself with its rays would erase all her mistakes being layed out to rot. She could feel his gaze on the side of her face, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. She didn't deserve to look at him, and soon he would know.

"I thought about it," she admitted quietly. "I thought about erasing what I'd created. I don't know what I would have done, if I had. Maybe I would have let myself go, to float into infinity. Maybe I would have tried again, to make a world. I don't know if I would have tried again to create something like this."

She shook her head. "I couldn't though. I was about to. I had my hand raised against my people, and I was about to wipe their tears and suffering off their faces, and them with it. And I couldn't do it." She swallowed again. There was a lump building in her throat and an ache behind her eyes despite her not-caring, and she knew that if she continued she would unlock the floodgates. But she had to continue. For _him_.

( ~~For her.~~ )

"I looked at my mistakes, at my people, at my _children_ , and I couldn't bring myself, wasn't strong enough to end their existence." She shook her head again, and smiled sadly, and hid her face in her knees. Her words were starting to run together. "I was too selfish, and I loved them too much. I had put too much of myself in them, and they were _mine_ , and I saw my children helping each other up when they fell, and smiling at the ones they loved, and having children of their own, and I was too weak to give them up. I knew they were hurting, knew they were _dying_ , and still I couldn't be the one to end their suffering, because I loved them all too much. I love you all far too much.

She sat up straight, suddenly. She sat up so quickly he was startled, and she saw him jump out of the corner of her eye. "But I can't care. I can't, I _can't_ care. If I care, I'll be helpless to stay away, and I'll help everyone I can, and then I'll destroy myself trying to help everyone, and I'll love you all for destroying me, because I will _care_. And if I destroy myself helping you, I will lose myself."

"I know who I am," she told him, solemn. Her not-caring was back, and she found she could face him again, for now. She didn't know his expression, but that was alright, because she didn't care. If she kept going while not-caring, he would see that she was a monster, and he would hate her for it, but that was alright. She didn't care. "I know myself. If I lose myself, I will hate you all, and I will hate you all for being the ones to destroy me. And when-" she cut herself off. She didn't care, but she still had to stop that thought, revise that thought. "If I lose myself, I will hate you all for destroying me, and I will destroy you all for doing that to me.

"I will live forever, and I will love you all forever until I lose myself. And if I care, I will help, and it might take thousands of years, and in those thousands of years I will help millions of you. And then I will lose myself, and I will wipe everyone out everyone, and everyone who could be will be wiped out as well, and they won't have ever had the chance to live a day, because I _cared_.

"I know myself," she said again. She turned away from him, not because she cared, but because there was more to see than him. "I know myself. I will live forever, and I will slowly go insane for it, but I will never stop loving my mistakes unless I lose myself. And I will only lose myself if I care. So I will not care, because I love you all too much for my own good, for your own good, for the worlds own good. So I will not care."

She smiled down at her hands, into her lap. Her smile was not sad. She made sure it was not.

She turned to him. His face was red. His eyes were watery. His mouth was turned down, and he was trembling with stifled sobs. ( ~~Her chest ached at the sight of him hurting.~~ ) She didn't care.

"My people are suffering," she told him.

"I don't care," she said.

"So what?" she asked.

(Inside her mind, the floodgates opened.)

(Inside her mind, she sobbed. She wept. She grieved.)

(Inside her mind, she cared.)

~~(It hurt.)~~


End file.
